The Red Team

When the US Air Force was developing the top secret "stealth fighter" in the 1980s, it was trying to find a way to work around the vast network of Soviet early warning radars and its intricate system of anti-air missile defense. That, in turn, was an attempt to counter the age-old problem of Soviet nuclear attacks. Being able to penetrate enemy airspace in order to take out strategic target would be key in the unlikely but highly problematic event of all-out nuclear warfare. However, at the same time, the USAF commissioned a team of researchers and staff member to head a team whose very goal was to make the state-of-the-art prototype fighter, completely obsolete. They called it the "Red Team." Now, why would they send their best and brightest minds on a mission to undermine and render irrelevant their best, newest, not to mention most expensive, idea?

The same reason why football coaches scout opposing players before a big game, or a business analyst spends hours on end pouring over financial statements and annual reports of competing firms. A wise man once said, "know thy enemy." Though it is entirely too cynical (even for me) to say that dating is like a warfare or an extremely violent individual combat sport, it's always a good idea to know what those across the chasm are up to, so to speak. In combat, preparation is the key to victory, so perhaps in dating, preparation can be the source of understanding and mutual gain. It's easier not to make the plane crash, if you know which buttons not to press...

Most of the dating technique sites out there were created (mostly) by guys, for guys

Here's a quick breakdown:


1) the mainstream (askmen.com's dating section is a good example that I'll browse once in a while)

Pro: PC enough that you won't get sued putting anything you learn there in to practice

Con: Doesn't always work well, especially if you have little experience or ability with women in the first place. Usually a good bet to fine tune the rational, "left-brained" part of your game, but you won't necessarily be able to create attraction with the girl that you like, if she doesn't already like you.

2) the alternative (usually somewhat more radical than #1. cameron teone write a really good blog IMO)

Pro: A bit more edgy and, sometimes, effective than mainstream advice. Can inspire you to make changes in your life beyond social interactions, like pursuing your dreams and becoming a more assertive person - things that will have positive repercussions in all aspects of your life

Con: It takes a larger commitment, more effort, and more pain to make those big changes, then to learn a few pickup lines, or the how much to tip at a fancy restaurant.


and 3) the "Community" (anyone referring to himself as a Pickup Artist, using evolutionary psychology and sexual conditioning to "get they way at BK," - with women)

Pro: Significant amounts of skills, routines and other tricks to learn. When I first decided to turn this part of my life around, this is where I looked. It'll teach you some really great things, if you're willing to devote time and attention to it.

Con: Some of it is pure snake oil, some of it is unethical, and some of it is borderline illegal. Sure, it will help you get laid more, FACT. But, at the same time, if you fail to exercise caution and keep a clear perspective of who you are and what you want from life, "the Community" WILL turn you from well-adjusted to maladjusted, and from maladjusted to a psycho concerned only with DHV: "demonstrating higher value" (acting like a douchebag) and SNL: "same night lays." Essentially, there is absolutely no guarantee that anything you learn there will actually make you happier and more fulfilled. I know it was true for me.


On the other side of the fence, dating advice for women can also be broken down in to 3:

1) the mainstream: Cosmo, and any other girl mags, pretty much

Pro: Get you thinking about sex (That's a plus!) and can provide good, creative ways to spice up your love life

Con: Encourages paralysis by analysis, which is already a problem that afflicts many women.

2) the fictional: "Sex and the City" is a prime example, Gossip Girl, the OC, etc

Pro: Entertaining (I've seen every single SATC episode, plus the first movie. Last time I checked my privates were still firmly attached to my body, thankfully)

Con: Not to be taken seriously. Really, please dont. Don't be a female equivalent of guys who think internet porn accurately portrays real sex.

3) THIS: http://www.lovesciencemedia.com/love-science-media/becoming-the-high-status-woman-or-how-helen-got-her-status-b.html

Now, I haven't quite been able to find a good name for this category of dating advice, because I'm still a bit slack-jawed after reading some of the recommendations made by this lady. Now, what she's suggesting makes good, solid, scientific sense, but that's exactly the reason why, as a man, I find them so flabbergasting. She uncovers which buttons to press in order for a woman to get what she wants from a man, and that's pretty scary to me. I suspect that's exactly how women see the 3rd category of dating advice for men, that I just described above. I do not know for sure. What I'm more curious to find out though, is whether a relationship will turn into a mental and emotional UFC matchup if both people choose to draw from these principle when communicating with one another. With all that said, I find this website fascinating, and encourage both guys and gals to visit it.

In any case, next time you find yourself in a rut with the opposite sex, call up your own personal Red Team, and take a look at what the other side is thinking about. You'll definitely learn something, and what you learn just might be exactly what you need to get over that hump and into the arms of someone special.

Much love and happy New Year

THM



P.S. Mood Music - Bill Wither: Just The Two Of Us

Sex and Chocolate

Hey guys, have been busy recently but found a little time for a short new post.

Mood music: David Usher - Black Black Heart


Chances are the title of this article piqued your interest (the chocolate part for girls and the sex part for guys... :p ). However today I won't be talking about Belgian pralines or hooking up with a girl you just met 25 minutes ago. Sorry to disappoint (if you are looking for more traditional, "gamey" dating advice, check out the free Lovesystems articles here - very good stuff on a variety of topics, and 100% THM approved)

Our real purpose today is to examine the whole "most women prefer chocolate to sex" idea. Sure, chocolate tastes great (I always keep a large tab of dark chocolate next to my desk), enhances mood and is known for being an aphrodisiac, but there's one hypothesis that scientists haven't considered: that women don't prefer chocolate to sex at all!

In my experience, most women (especially those under the age of 25, those who are inexperienced or those who are not as in touch with themselves) would rather lie than admit to a sexual encounter being their ultimate turn-on. It'd be easy to cast blame or to be judgmental (keep this in mind for later, very important), especially when no one ends up getting laid and have to fall back on eating Hersheys in bed, alone. Still, looking at the past, this is very understandable indeed.

In the Victorian era, which ended 110 years ago, not a long time ago in the grand scheme of things, a woman's mood swings caused by libido was interpreted to be a sign of illness and referred to by doctors as female hysteria. No one bothered to find out the real reasons behind what was going on, and the medical professionals at the time ended up developing a set of draconian treatments which were oddly embarrassing at best, and mind-numbingly grotesque at worst. All this because a few women didn't want to admit to liking sex, and a few men didn't want to let them admit to it. Yikes...

All this to say that there's a lot of baggage and social stigma associate with the subject matter. Sure, we're in the second decade of the 21st century, but you see where we came from - there's still some vestiges of this close-mindedness or however else you want to call it. Calling a woman a slut is definitely the worst label she can ever be associated with. Sometimes I'm happy to be a guy just because I would never ever have to worry about that.

Recently a female acquaintance told me about her idea of juggling 7 boyfriends, one for each day of the week, to see what it would be like. I didn't exactly approve of her plan wholeheartedly, but it's her life and it did seem like an *interesting* experience to say the least, and I let her know that. On the other hand her actual friends, especially guys, seemed far less indulgent, and gave her a pretty rough time about even considering the idea. Though this knee-jerk reaction is understandable, since being cheated on by a promiscuous partner is pretty much everyone's worst fear, this attitude is counterproductive, because when a girl suspects that you will think any less of her for telling you exactly what's on her mind, what she needs and wants, and for following through with those desires, she will close herself off in the fear of being judged and labeled. It's hard to be honest, open and emotionally available when you feel judged for what you think and do, trust me. So next time, do me a favor, and just ask "Why?" when a girl tells you she once had a boyfriend for every day of the week or that she left her ex for his best friend instead of labeling her a slut. Then sit back and listen to her story before making up your mind. Who knows, maybe soon enough you'll both be enjoying sex AND chocolate together...


Much love,
THM

How to be a Man

Some of you guys are MMA and UFC fans, some of your aren't. Here's for those who don't know the back story behind the Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva fight. Going into the fight I was not a huge fan of Sonnen because of the way he trashtalked his opponent. I don't like trash-talking, nor those who do it.

Here's the interview the loser Chael Sonnen gave the day after the worst, more heartbreaking defeat of his life:


Part 2

There's a lot you can take away from what Chael says. I'm an athlete so it speaks to me mostly on that level, but really the way that Chael deals with possibly the worst, most disappointing moment in his life is truly inspiring. He doesn't make any excuses and how incredibly candid he was is just very rarely seen. It's not anything you can fake, that's for sure.

How does this relate to dating at all? It has everything to do with it. To become skilled in ANYTHING worth doing, you must first be willing to pay the price, to put in the work and accept that you will fail at first, and then again, and then again. Accept that not every time you go meet someone things will work out. Most of the time it doesn't, and that's okay. You never truly lose if you learn something from every single encounter, and come out of it stronger and looking for the next opportunity. Chael understands that, and to me he'll always be a winner even if he never wins a fight again.

Texting

I'm sure this is going to resonate with some of your guys. Pretty busy at the moment, but figured you'd enjoy this - the article comes from one of my favorite blogs as well:



The Pros & Cons of Texting

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Speed Dating, the flowchart

Seems like my fellow organizers are a bit more cynical than I am about the process. One of them does a pretty funny web comic. Here's how he sees the process unfolding:


NOTE: it's too wide to fit on this page, so click the link below to go to his site!
http://therightdose.smackjeeves.com/comics/832654/speed-dating-flowchart/

Happy St-Patrick's Day

Here's a great ice breaker - it's a riddle. Used it to get a free shot of tequila when I was out with friends last night - long story. Either way, go up to somebody you want to talk to at a bar this weekend, and ask them to help you figure this one out:

"It's hard to win, but easy to lose
You can put money in it,
But it's absolutely priceless"

(the answer is 1 word - shoot me a msg if you figure it out!)




Cheers,
THM

Means vs. End, or how NOT to be a social robot

It's been a long time since my last post - been busy with various things around McGill, I do apologize :)

Today I was having lunch with a good friend of mine. It was his birthday so we caught up over sushi in a place near campus. Inevitably the topic of discussing drifted to dating. Growing up, he was always fairly shy with girls and hasn't had the kind of relationships that he wanted to. For the past 2 years he has been experimenting with techniques elborated by "dating gurus" and "pickup artists" with mixed success.

First off, I believe there's absolutely nothing wrong for guys (and girls) to learn about dating through books and online articles. That's why you're here, and it's a great thing, because anything worth doing is worth doing better. There are some really good resources out there, which really do work in real life. The most important lesson you can learn to improve your dating life, in my opinion, is that ultimately your destiny is in your hands. Dating is not about getting lucky or waiting for "fate" to do all the work. There are definitely things you can work on, in terms of your apperance, lifestyle and communication skills in order to boost your overall attractiveness.

With that being said, one pitfall one can fall into when learning dating skills through a "system" or a "method" is becoming what is referred to as a "social robot." One particularly popular approach called "cocky &funny" involves teasing your target about something personal to her (ex: "Nice shoes, did you get them at the Salvation Army?" or "Looks like you made your dress with a shower curtain."). In theory, that in turn would cause her to crave your approval and actively try to win it. My friend uses it systemtically, which causes many problems. In essence, we are all different people - what works for some of us doesn't work for others.



(Don't be this)

"Social robots" ignore that difference in personality and uses a blanket technique to deal with every type of person s/he encounters. Always consider your target audience - I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a neon polo with popped up collars and acting like a drunkard at a formal dinner.

The same goes with teasing and demeaning others DOGMATICALLY (because someone else told you to, at all times, with no regards to circumstances).


My friend wasn't seeing my point, until I proved it to him with an example. I casually made a pretty R-rated comment, to which he responded with a hearty laugh- as we've known each other for ever and he's grown used to my distorted sense of humor. Then, I asked him to imagine the reaction of the middle-aged lady sitting a table away if I were to tell her the same joke. Predictably, she would most likely throw her glass of ice water in my face and storm out of the restaurant. As you see, what's funny, or charming, or attractive to one person but not to another. Very elementary, but easy to lose sight of.

The key is not the MEANS, or how you go about flirting, but the END. Everyone wants an element of fun, mystery and romance and you'll do well if you can give that to your (hopefully) better half. Teasing is fine on people with both a healthy self-esteem and an ability to laugh at themselves (which isn't everyone), but pushing it too far will get you nowhere, or worse.

Empathy and emotional predictability, the ability to put yourself into another person's shoes and see the world in their eyes, take time and effort to develop. We've all said or done things that didn't pan out the way we'd imagined, but the important part is to learn from each experience, dating or otherwise, and access them in the future to avoid making the same mistakes twice.

More soon.

Much love,
THM