Today I was having lunch with a good friend of mine. It was his birthday so we caught up over sushi in a place near campus. Inevitably the topic of discussing drifted to dating. Growing up, he was always fairly shy with girls and hasn't had the kind of relationships that he wanted to. For the past 2 years he has been experimenting with techniques elborated by "dating gurus" and "pickup artists" with mixed success.
First off, I believe there's absolutely nothing wrong for guys (and girls) to learn about dating through books and online articles. That's why you're here, and it's a great thing, because anything worth doing is worth doing better. There are some really good resources out there, which really do work in real life. The most important lesson you can learn to improve your dating life, in my opinion, is that ultimately your destiny is in your hands. Dating is not about getting lucky or waiting for "fate" to do all the work. There are definitely things you can work on, in terms of your apperance, lifestyle and communication skills in order to boost your overall attractiveness.
With that being said, one pitfall one can fall into when learning dating skills through a "system" or a "method" is becoming what is referred to as a "social robot." One particularly popular approach called "cocky &funny" involves teasing your target about something personal to her (ex: "Nice shoes, did you get them at the Salvation Army?" or "Looks like you made your dress with a shower curtain."). In theory, that in turn would cause her to crave your approval and actively try to win it. My friend uses it systemtically, which causes many problems. In essence, we are all different people - what works for some of us doesn't work for others.
(Don't be this)
"Social robots" ignore that difference in personality and uses a blanket technique to deal with every type of person s/he encounters. Always consider your target audience - I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a neon polo with popped up collars and acting like a drunkard at a formal dinner.
The same goes with teasing and demeaning others DOGMATICALLY (because someone else told you to, at all times, with no regards to circumstances).
My friend wasn't seeing my point, until I proved it to him with an example. I casually made a pretty R-rated comment, to which he responded with a hearty laugh- as we've known each other for ever and he's grown used to my distorted sense of humor. Then, I asked him to imagine the reaction of the middle-aged lady sitting a table away if I were to tell her the same joke. Predictably, she would most likely throw her glass of ice water in my face and storm out of the restaurant. As you see, what's funny, or charming, or attractive to one person but not to another. Very elementary, but easy to lose sight of.
The key is not the MEANS, or how you go about flirting, but the END. Everyone wants an element of fun, mystery and romance and you'll do well if you can give that to your (hopefully) better half. Teasing is fine on people with both a healthy self-esteem and an ability to laugh at themselves (which isn't everyone), but pushing it too far will get you nowhere, or worse.
Empathy and emotional predictability, the ability to put yourself into another person's shoes and see the world in their eyes, take time and effort to develop. We've all said or done things that didn't pan out the way we'd imagined, but the important part is to learn from each experience, dating or otherwise, and access them in the future to avoid making the same mistakes twice.
More soon.
Much love,
THM
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