Sex and Chocolate

Hey guys, have been busy recently but found a little time for a short new post.

Mood music: David Usher - Black Black Heart


Chances are the title of this article piqued your interest (the chocolate part for girls and the sex part for guys... :p ). However today I won't be talking about Belgian pralines or hooking up with a girl you just met 25 minutes ago. Sorry to disappoint (if you are looking for more traditional, "gamey" dating advice, check out the free Lovesystems articles here - very good stuff on a variety of topics, and 100% THM approved)

Our real purpose today is to examine the whole "most women prefer chocolate to sex" idea. Sure, chocolate tastes great (I always keep a large tab of dark chocolate next to my desk), enhances mood and is known for being an aphrodisiac, but there's one hypothesis that scientists haven't considered: that women don't prefer chocolate to sex at all!

In my experience, most women (especially those under the age of 25, those who are inexperienced or those who are not as in touch with themselves) would rather lie than admit to a sexual encounter being their ultimate turn-on. It'd be easy to cast blame or to be judgmental (keep this in mind for later, very important), especially when no one ends up getting laid and have to fall back on eating Hersheys in bed, alone. Still, looking at the past, this is very understandable indeed.

In the Victorian era, which ended 110 years ago, not a long time ago in the grand scheme of things, a woman's mood swings caused by libido was interpreted to be a sign of illness and referred to by doctors as female hysteria. No one bothered to find out the real reasons behind what was going on, and the medical professionals at the time ended up developing a set of draconian treatments which were oddly embarrassing at best, and mind-numbingly grotesque at worst. All this because a few women didn't want to admit to liking sex, and a few men didn't want to let them admit to it. Yikes...

All this to say that there's a lot of baggage and social stigma associate with the subject matter. Sure, we're in the second decade of the 21st century, but you see where we came from - there's still some vestiges of this close-mindedness or however else you want to call it. Calling a woman a slut is definitely the worst label she can ever be associated with. Sometimes I'm happy to be a guy just because I would never ever have to worry about that.

Recently a female acquaintance told me about her idea of juggling 7 boyfriends, one for each day of the week, to see what it would be like. I didn't exactly approve of her plan wholeheartedly, but it's her life and it did seem like an *interesting* experience to say the least, and I let her know that. On the other hand her actual friends, especially guys, seemed far less indulgent, and gave her a pretty rough time about even considering the idea. Though this knee-jerk reaction is understandable, since being cheated on by a promiscuous partner is pretty much everyone's worst fear, this attitude is counterproductive, because when a girl suspects that you will think any less of her for telling you exactly what's on her mind, what she needs and wants, and for following through with those desires, she will close herself off in the fear of being judged and labeled. It's hard to be honest, open and emotionally available when you feel judged for what you think and do, trust me. So next time, do me a favor, and just ask "Why?" when a girl tells you she once had a boyfriend for every day of the week or that she left her ex for his best friend instead of labeling her a slut. Then sit back and listen to her story before making up your mind. Who knows, maybe soon enough you'll both be enjoying sex AND chocolate together...


Much love,
THM

How to be a Man

Some of you guys are MMA and UFC fans, some of your aren't. Here's for those who don't know the back story behind the Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva fight. Going into the fight I was not a huge fan of Sonnen because of the way he trashtalked his opponent. I don't like trash-talking, nor those who do it.

Here's the interview the loser Chael Sonnen gave the day after the worst, more heartbreaking defeat of his life:


Part 2

There's a lot you can take away from what Chael says. I'm an athlete so it speaks to me mostly on that level, but really the way that Chael deals with possibly the worst, most disappointing moment in his life is truly inspiring. He doesn't make any excuses and how incredibly candid he was is just very rarely seen. It's not anything you can fake, that's for sure.

How does this relate to dating at all? It has everything to do with it. To become skilled in ANYTHING worth doing, you must first be willing to pay the price, to put in the work and accept that you will fail at first, and then again, and then again. Accept that not every time you go meet someone things will work out. Most of the time it doesn't, and that's okay. You never truly lose if you learn something from every single encounter, and come out of it stronger and looking for the next opportunity. Chael understands that, and to me he'll always be a winner even if he never wins a fight again.

Texting

I'm sure this is going to resonate with some of your guys. Pretty busy at the moment, but figured you'd enjoy this - the article comes from one of my favorite blogs as well:



The Pros & Cons of Texting

Posted using ShareThis

Speed Dating, the flowchart

Seems like my fellow organizers are a bit more cynical than I am about the process. One of them does a pretty funny web comic. Here's how he sees the process unfolding:


NOTE: it's too wide to fit on this page, so click the link below to go to his site!
http://therightdose.smackjeeves.com/comics/832654/speed-dating-flowchart/

Happy St-Patrick's Day

Here's a great ice breaker - it's a riddle. Used it to get a free shot of tequila when I was out with friends last night - long story. Either way, go up to somebody you want to talk to at a bar this weekend, and ask them to help you figure this one out:

"It's hard to win, but easy to lose
You can put money in it,
But it's absolutely priceless"

(the answer is 1 word - shoot me a msg if you figure it out!)




Cheers,
THM

Means vs. End, or how NOT to be a social robot

It's been a long time since my last post - been busy with various things around McGill, I do apologize :)

Today I was having lunch with a good friend of mine. It was his birthday so we caught up over sushi in a place near campus. Inevitably the topic of discussing drifted to dating. Growing up, he was always fairly shy with girls and hasn't had the kind of relationships that he wanted to. For the past 2 years he has been experimenting with techniques elborated by "dating gurus" and "pickup artists" with mixed success.

First off, I believe there's absolutely nothing wrong for guys (and girls) to learn about dating through books and online articles. That's why you're here, and it's a great thing, because anything worth doing is worth doing better. There are some really good resources out there, which really do work in real life. The most important lesson you can learn to improve your dating life, in my opinion, is that ultimately your destiny is in your hands. Dating is not about getting lucky or waiting for "fate" to do all the work. There are definitely things you can work on, in terms of your apperance, lifestyle and communication skills in order to boost your overall attractiveness.

With that being said, one pitfall one can fall into when learning dating skills through a "system" or a "method" is becoming what is referred to as a "social robot." One particularly popular approach called "cocky &funny" involves teasing your target about something personal to her (ex: "Nice shoes, did you get them at the Salvation Army?" or "Looks like you made your dress with a shower curtain."). In theory, that in turn would cause her to crave your approval and actively try to win it. My friend uses it systemtically, which causes many problems. In essence, we are all different people - what works for some of us doesn't work for others.



(Don't be this)

"Social robots" ignore that difference in personality and uses a blanket technique to deal with every type of person s/he encounters. Always consider your target audience - I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a neon polo with popped up collars and acting like a drunkard at a formal dinner.

The same goes with teasing and demeaning others DOGMATICALLY (because someone else told you to, at all times, with no regards to circumstances).


My friend wasn't seeing my point, until I proved it to him with an example. I casually made a pretty R-rated comment, to which he responded with a hearty laugh- as we've known each other for ever and he's grown used to my distorted sense of humor. Then, I asked him to imagine the reaction of the middle-aged lady sitting a table away if I were to tell her the same joke. Predictably, she would most likely throw her glass of ice water in my face and storm out of the restaurant. As you see, what's funny, or charming, or attractive to one person but not to another. Very elementary, but easy to lose sight of.

The key is not the MEANS, or how you go about flirting, but the END. Everyone wants an element of fun, mystery and romance and you'll do well if you can give that to your (hopefully) better half. Teasing is fine on people with both a healthy self-esteem and an ability to laugh at themselves (which isn't everyone), but pushing it too far will get you nowhere, or worse.

Empathy and emotional predictability, the ability to put yourself into another person's shoes and see the world in their eyes, take time and effort to develop. We've all said or done things that didn't pan out the way we'd imagined, but the important part is to learn from each experience, dating or otherwise, and access them in the future to avoid making the same mistakes twice.

More soon.

Much love,
THM

Happy V-day guys and gals!

For better or for worse, Valentine's day is an important holiday. Two of my best friends actually just started dating each other, and I'm so happy for them - it's a beautiful thing. At the other end of the spectrum you might be spending the day alone. Don't fret, and just be glad that you're here, you're alive and that you can FEEL. Take the time today to wish complete strangers a happy valentine's day, and who knows, maybe you'll meet that special someone!

Mood music: "Hey Soul Sister" - Train

Much love - even more than usual,
THM

Valentine's Event is almost here!!

Rest assured, you're in for a great time this week. Here are a few fun conversation starters for your speed dating pleasure:

Mood Music - Edward Maya, "Stereo Love"


1) "What we have in common" - Find 3 things that you both have in common, the wackier the better (i.e. not "We're both from Toronto" - try harder)

2) "Let me guess, you're from...(Ontario? the US? Mars?)" - Remember, its totally okay to guess wrong. Prod the other person to see why s/he thinks that about you, or explain why you'd say that. Same thing works well for field of study.

3) "I like you, because..." - this allows you to really be observant about your date. Plus compliments gets things off to a great start.

Much Love and good luck!
THM

New section: Ladies' Night

Mood Music: Mood music: Kool and the Gang - "Ladies' Night"

Hey girls,

Recently a few of you have asked me to devote an article to all of you sassy singles out there. I did have a hard time coming up with a good topic to talk about, but one of my friends had the perfect question for me to address on here:

her: "Why is it that all the guys who come talk to me in bars are total creepers, and the cute ones I have my eyes on never come by to say hi?"

I told her to stop dressing up like Goldielocks when she goes out - it really does send the wrong message. Seriously though, I have been out with her a few times, and there seems to be a few recurring themes - things that many girls do which ultimately make their dating lives less successful:

1) Try to avoid jumping to conclusions

First off, YES, there are some seriously creepy dudes out there. However, most of the time I find that girls needlessly become overly defensive when approached by men, especially in social situations. The fact is, most guys do not have much of a clue on how to correctly approach women, even though we are all socially conditioned to expect men to make the first obvious move. As a guy, this is very scary indeed - you girls have the power to rip our self esteems to shreds with one cold stare, while we have to think of something witty to say without appearing too needy. In sum, guys who don't know what to say/do and who expect the worst will be EXTREMELY frightened. Extremely frightened guys also tend to be EXTREMELY awkward. So maybe that guy from last week who couldn't stop stuttering is actually great BF material. Too bad you gave him the cold shoulder.

2) Appear more welcoming

Now, I'm not sure if many of you follow the NFL, but have a look at the following image and tell me what you think:



Doesn't look like you'd want to mess with these guys, huh?

The thing is, this is exactly what most guys see when you are huddled around a small table with your 6 closest girlfriends. My good friend McDreamy (who's single-handedly convinced me that being in Engineering does not, in fact, mean that you have zero game) tells me that he will absolutely never approach a girl if she's glued to her girlfriends like a wet piece of gum the whole night. If you want that cute guy in the corner to come talk to you without being too conspicuous, try this: turn in your seat, away from your friends, to FACE him, and make eye contact. After a minute or two of this, if he's got solid skills, he'll come over and chat you up. However, if you catch his eyes and he looks down and away, rest assured - he likes you but is too shy to do anything about it. Now's the time to prove that feminism isn't dead. Feel free to walk over and make his day ;)

Much love,
THM

Valentine's Day is Coming Up, soooo......

Mood Music: Hedley's "Never too Late"

I'm assuming you've already gotten the invitation for our next event. There's only a couple of spots left, so hurry up! (BTW please email us directly to sign up; camping outside of my apartment and throwing pebbles in my window isn't a good way to get a seat)

Sneak preview of my next article - I'm going to talk about fear of commitment. Should be a good one. Specific questions or epic stories welcomed, shoot me a message!

Much Love,
THM

mcgill.speed8.com

The Speed Dater: Becoming a better conversationalist (Intro)

Hello again,

After meeting someone and engaging them in smalltalk, the next step is to deepen the conversation to establish solid rapport and find out if the person across from you really is someone you want to invest your time and affection in. Some underestimate the importance of this middle step in dating, but for me it's a must - deep conversation lets me know if a girl is worthy, and generally helps me weed out the crazies before it's too late.

Case in point, I was in the car with my friend "Seth" (a girl told him he looks like Seth Cohen from "The OC") when he brought up the topic. He does very well for himself but dislikes going on dates because he is not the best at making conversation (that's okay, especially if he realizes it and decides to work on improving that aspect). So I decided to show him the lesson you're about to learn today.

Now, the first thing you should understand is that most people are selfish. I don't think it's a particularly bad thing, but that could just be the only child in me talking. The upshot is, that for the vast majority of people you meet, men or women, young or old, the topic of conversation that most interests them is, well, themselves. You might not care that I sat next to a smelly hobo in the metro today, or that I had mild BBQ flavored chicken wings for dinner, or that my prof is a tool who doesn't know the first thing about how to crack a decent joke, but I sure do. And if you want to get my attention, I hope you are willing to let me talk about these things (and at least PRETEND to give a damn). In any case, rest assured that letting them decide what they want to talk about is usually the best course of action. (There are exception, as we'll see later)
If you like talking about yourself too much, that's okay also, just refrain around people who you want to actually be attracted to you...


Once you got the first part down pat (let the other person talk), comes part 2: letting the other person talk about something meaningful to them. Meaningful topics vary from people to people, it's up to you to find out. Anything goes, as long as it doesn't fall into one of the following categories:

1) Fluff
2) Complaints


Fluff (or "smalltalk) is completely fine if you're 30 seconds into a conversation and as long as you're using it as a jump-off point for deeper, more captivating topics. Relying too much on fluff is bad, for the following reasons:

1) You will run out of things to say (you'll always be scrambling mentally to find the next thing to talk about, which is really difficult. Plus your listening abilities go to the crapper if your mind is that occupied)
2a) You will find yourself talking to your date about boring topics
2b) Your date will take it as a sign that, since you talk about boring trivialities, you must be a boring person. (Even if you're not)
3) Since no one likes to be bored, your date will find a way to wiggle him/herself out of your next meeting, and the next, and so forth.

How to avoid this? Let's go back to the car ride with Seth for one second:

Him: I always run out of things to say. I suck on dates 'cause I just don't know what to do after a while.
THM: Let's try something really simple. What was the first career you wanted to have when you were little?
Him: Uhh....to be a doctor.
THM: Why?
Him: I don't know. After high school I realized that science wasn't for me, so I want to do international development (talk about that in more detail for 5 more minutes).
THM: Interesting. Actually it's not so far from being a doctor. I see you're motivated by helping people, and both jobs let you do that.
Him: Wow I never thought of it that way, but it does make sense... (another 5 minutes of him talking about why he wants to go into that field - at the time I couldn't make anything other than rough mental notes, sorry dude)

So you can see I've managed to turn something as mundane as school and work into an enlightening conversation (incidentally, I never knew Seth wanted to be a doctor before). There are lots of little things to pick up on, but essentially I turned something relatively impersonal (we were talking about something school-related) into a reflection about Seth's passions and driving forces in life (which is one of the most personal things we can talk about). Try it, and don't be afraid to ask a lot of "why" questions. Some people are more guarded then others, but the more barriers you can break down, the closer you'll be to that person's heart.



Complaints are a whole other can of worms. In the same way that people label you as boring if you allow them to talk about boring stuff, they will also label you negatively if you allow them to dump all their problems on you. Sure, commiserating about serious and important matters is a beautiful thing - that's what friends are for. But on the flip side, learn to not let your dates dwell on petty complaints (The soup's too cold. The soup's too hot, where's the waiter? Why do I always look so fat?) Don't enable serial complainers. Change the topic if it's really unimportant (avoid calling them on their negativity, just ignore it the best you can). Worst comes to worst, don't hang out with people like that. You owe it to yourself.

That's about it for today, talk to you soon.

Much love,
THM

Things I learned last night - #1

If you're reading this blog, you must be part of the learning institution that is McGill (or Concordia, but let's not go there...). In the spirit of education, here is the first edition of the series entitled "Things I learned last night." The powers that be might force me to pull the plug on this if things get too out of hand. But in the meantime, enjoy.


I was having a beer with 2 of my close guy friends in a bar near campus. We were watching the game and unwinding after a week of having to cope of various pressing issues. By 11pm things were quiet, when my friend "Andy" (let's call him that because he vaguely looks like the Andy Bernard character in The Office) started talking about flying down to Vegas, getting trashed and waking up married to a stripper. Naturally, within the next 5 minutes, the conversation moved to how a strip club should be our next stop. However, my grandmother always taught me to be frugal in life - throwing $20 bills at skimpily dressed (or butt naked) women is fun, but I'd rather do like that ING guy says, and save my money. Needless to say, Andy wasn't impressed.

Next thing I know, a group of girls of our age group walked into the bar and were headed in our direction (that in itself was a feat, considering the average age in the place was about 45). By that time the flow of conversation had somewhat shifted. When I decided to get the girls' attention, this is what came out of my month:

"My buddy (Andy) here is considering a career change, would you guys pay to see him dance on a stage, naked?"

Considering the amount of beer we've already ingested, that was the best I could do. Meanwhile the look on Andy's face said something like: "I cannot believe you just said that."

Then something unexpected happened: the girls' faces lit up like the Fourth of July, and we were invited to their table within the next 20 seconds.

Lesson of the night: it really doesn't matter what you say, just who you say it to (especially if they're American students on a roadtrip to drink and be merry.

Activities Night revisited

Mood Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAOJ_azIvus&feature=related

Hello Members new (all 8 pages worth of you, welcome!) and old,

Had a great time at the SSMU last night. Activities Night is always great for meeting new people and discovering interesting clubs and activities. If you missed it, shame on you (and see you there next time). A few highlights:

1) To the journalist who was looking to interview me, too bad that didn't happen. Will be less flaky next time.

2) Most underrated pickup accessory: old ski poles

3) Had a short talk with TVmcgill - they are interested in doing a show about dating this season. Let them that you want to see that happen! The ideas are already swirling wildly in my head... :p

As usual, shoot me an email with any questions. (no, I dont do blind dates, sorry)

Much Love
THM

The Speed Dater: Making a Great First Impression (part 2)

Now that you've got your look down pat, here comes the difficult part: actually starting a conversation with that beautiful stranger. This is arguably the toughest part - something we refer to as "approach anxiety." The fear of rejection is very real for most people out there (yes, I've been there too!). "Opening" is as much a science as an art - I will go more into detail about the finer points of how to strike up a fun convo with almost anyone in an upcoming article.

Meanwhile, there are a few ways to get around the irrational fear:

1) Have a mutual friend introduce you -

Not always practical or possible, but works great especially if s/he does it with a complement ("This is my friend *****, he's the lead singer of a band/president of a frat/level 56 in World of Warcraft.")

BTW, the World of Warcraft thing is a joke, make sure your friend actually does you a favor and say something attractive.


2) Bite the bullet and do a "cold" approach -

Starting a conversation with a complete stranger is for the bold and adventurous types out there. I get a lot of fun out of doing this because it really is an incredible thrill to waltz up to an attractive woman and discover how she's like instead of walking on by and wondering what might have been. With that being said, "cold" approaches (as opposed to being introduced - a "warm" approach) is extremely challenging. Expect to fail early and often. Like a sport, proficiency comes with practice and diligence.


3) Go Speed Dating! -

One of the main challenges of the "cold" approach is running into someone who is, for one reason or another, simply not in a social mood. We're all human, and there are times where we simply do not have the time or energy to be receptive to flirting, no matter how charming the person talking to us may be. On the other hand, once you sit down at #1's table and begin speed dating, you'll discover that the person across from you is as enthusiastic as you are at making a new connection. You have all made conscious decisions to meet new people, and that open mindset makes the process so much easier.


How Can I Break The Ice?

Boy sits down across the table from Girl

Boy: "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"

(awkward silence)

Boy: "Uhh...how's school?"


We've all been there, stuck with a blank mind and nothing to say. If that's never happened to you, then you must be a great liar (if that's you, congratulations, studies show that social liars are more popular and tend to be more successful in business). Either way, there are 2 great ways to establish instant rapport between you and your date.

1) Find commonalities

The first day at an introductory management class I teach, I have my student play a game called "What We Have in Common." They have 5 minutes to pair up with someone they have never talked to before and find 3 things, the more obscure the better, that they share. Whether it's lactose intolerance, a passion for all things Gucci or the same favorite movie, this period of mutual questioning invariably creates more topics of conversation and a possibility for friendship, or more.

2) Pick up on subtleties

On my flight home for the holidays, I noticed an attractive girl in the terminal who was reading the new Dan Brown novel. Once we got on the plane, I sat down next to her, asked her how she found the book and used that as a starting point for an enlightening conversation that we shared for the rest of the flight(it's amazing how time flies when you're having a good time, especially when your flight is delayed by an hour on the runway). The point is, none of this would have happened if I didn't notice the small detail of what she was reading. Whenever I meet someone, the strength of their handshake, the accent with which they speak and the jewelry they wear are all small but significant cues that I can use to find out more about them. Be more attentive to these subtleties next time you meet someone, and you'll never be short on conversation topics.

Gotta head to the gym now, check back soon for updates! (up next: how to avoid the conversation turning stale, like 2 week old bread)

Much love,
THM

The Speed Dater: Make a Great First Impression

Hey guys,

Welcome to the first edition of The Speed Dater. Every so often, I'm going to examine one aspect of dating and demystify it for you, the socially active guy or gal. If you have a topic you would like discussed, or have any questions, shoot me a message at http://mcgill.speed8.com/contact_form.php

With all that being said, let's get to it!

One of the most frequently asked questions I receive is: how can I make a great first impression? You've asked yourself the same thing, I'm sure.

Simply put, making a great first impression is a must. Us humans are biologically trained to make snap judgments and act on them immediately - useful when running away from angry grizzly bears while gathering berries in the forest; not so useful when that perfectly nice boy approaching you forgot to match his shoes to his belt. (Note to guys: yes, girls are THAT perceptive, unfortunately. Here's a good starting point for tips)

The Look

The specific look I choose will vary greatly, but no matter the occasion, what I wear has to satisfy these 3 basic rules:

1)It accentuates your strong points (In my case, I'm a big fan of stripes and slim-fitting shirts because of my height and build)

2)It minimizes your weaker points (I don't look good in baseball caps so I don't usually wear one.)

3)It fits the occasion - We can go a bit further; try dressing a little MORE formal in every setting. You'll like the results.

In addition, make a point of both wearing interesting accessories and noticing those of others - it could be the starting point of a captivating and deep conversation, especially if what you wear has strong personal significance. It could be the ring your Grandmother gave you, or a necklace that your best friend brought back for you on her trip to Tahiti. The wilder and wackier the back story, the better.

Hopefully this goes without saying, but regular showers and hair trims are a must. Equally important are the appropriate use (i.e. not half the spray can) of fragrance and proper grooming (dirty and untrimmed fingernails is ironically the top pet peeve of several girl friends). Chapped lips, scruffy facial hair and bad breath are other things to avoid. Make yourself a little checklist to avoid any hassle.

That's all for today, part 2 coming soon!

Much Love,
THM

Why I love Speed Dating

Call me a romantic, but there's very little in life that beats the incredible rush you get on a great first date. It doesn't matter whether it's lunch at El Cheapo's Taco Emporium, or a candlelight dinner at Mucho Dinero's Waterside Cafe - discovering a person and sharing quality one-on-one time with him or her is a rare and precious treat.

Let's come back to reality for a second, though. The simple fact is, we're busy people. School, work, friends; life. There's just so much going on that for most of us, the thought of setting our world aside in the pursuit of love is...just a little unrealistic.

For the especially brave souls out there, I double dare you to start a conversation with 14 complete strangers TOMORROW- it's a lot harder than it looks, trust me. No such problem at Speed Dating - we do all the work; you have all the fun. Beside, like one of my friend says: "I would rather meet someone in school than someone grabbing my ass in a club. You know what i mean?"

:p



Much love,
THM

http://mcgill.speed8.com/