Mood Music: Hedley's "Never too Late"
I'm assuming you've already gotten the invitation for our next event. There's only a couple of spots left, so hurry up! (BTW please email us directly to sign up; camping outside of my apartment and throwing pebbles in my window isn't a good way to get a seat)
Sneak preview of my next article - I'm going to talk about fear of commitment. Should be a good one. Specific questions or epic stories welcomed, shoot me a message!
Much Love,
THM
mcgill.speed8.com
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The Speed Dater: Becoming a better conversationalist (Intro)
Hello again,
After meeting someone and engaging them in smalltalk, the next step is to deepen the conversation to establish solid rapport and find out if the person across from you really is someone you want to invest your time and affection in. Some underestimate the importance of this middle step in dating, but for me it's a must - deep conversation lets me know if a girl is worthy, and generally helps me weed out the crazies before it's too late.
Case in point, I was in the car with my friend "Seth" (a girl told him he looks like Seth Cohen from "The OC") when he brought up the topic. He does very well for himself but dislikes going on dates because he is not the best at making conversation (that's okay, especially if he realizes it and decides to work on improving that aspect). So I decided to show him the lesson you're about to learn today.
Now, the first thing you should understand is that most people are selfish. I don't think it's a particularly bad thing, but that could just be the only child in me talking. The upshot is, that for the vast majority of people you meet, men or women, young or old, the topic of conversation that most interests them is, well, themselves. You might not care that I sat next to a smelly hobo in the metro today, or that I had mild BBQ flavored chicken wings for dinner, or that my prof is a tool who doesn't know the first thing about how to crack a decent joke, but I sure do. And if you want to get my attention, I hope you are willing to let me talk about these things (and at least PRETEND to give a damn). In any case, rest assured that letting them decide what they want to talk about is usually the best course of action. (There are exception, as we'll see later)
If you like talking about yourself too much, that's okay also, just refrain around people who you want to actually be attracted to you...
Once you got the first part down pat (let the other person talk), comes part 2: letting the other person talk about something meaningful to them. Meaningful topics vary from people to people, it's up to you to find out. Anything goes, as long as it doesn't fall into one of the following categories:
1) Fluff
2) Complaints
Fluff (or "smalltalk) is completely fine if you're 30 seconds into a conversation and as long as you're using it as a jump-off point for deeper, more captivating topics. Relying too much on fluff is bad, for the following reasons:
1) You will run out of things to say (you'll always be scrambling mentally to find the next thing to talk about, which is really difficult. Plus your listening abilities go to the crapper if your mind is that occupied)
2a) You will find yourself talking to your date about boring topics
2b) Your date will take it as a sign that, since you talk about boring trivialities, you must be a boring person. (Even if you're not)
3) Since no one likes to be bored, your date will find a way to wiggle him/herself out of your next meeting, and the next, and so forth.
How to avoid this? Let's go back to the car ride with Seth for one second:
Him: I always run out of things to say. I suck on dates 'cause I just don't know what to do after a while.
THM: Let's try something really simple. What was the first career you wanted to have when you were little?
Him: Uhh....to be a doctor.
THM: Why?
Him: I don't know. After high school I realized that science wasn't for me, so I want to do international development (talk about that in more detail for 5 more minutes).
THM: Interesting. Actually it's not so far from being a doctor. I see you're motivated by helping people, and both jobs let you do that.
Him: Wow I never thought of it that way, but it does make sense... (another 5 minutes of him talking about why he wants to go into that field - at the time I couldn't make anything other than rough mental notes, sorry dude)
So you can see I've managed to turn something as mundane as school and work into an enlightening conversation (incidentally, I never knew Seth wanted to be a doctor before). There are lots of little things to pick up on, but essentially I turned something relatively impersonal (we were talking about something school-related) into a reflection about Seth's passions and driving forces in life (which is one of the most personal things we can talk about). Try it, and don't be afraid to ask a lot of "why" questions. Some people are more guarded then others, but the more barriers you can break down, the closer you'll be to that person's heart.
Complaints are a whole other can of worms. In the same way that people label you as boring if you allow them to talk about boring stuff, they will also label you negatively if you allow them to dump all their problems on you. Sure, commiserating about serious and important matters is a beautiful thing - that's what friends are for. But on the flip side, learn to not let your dates dwell on petty complaints (The soup's too cold. The soup's too hot, where's the waiter? Why do I always look so fat?) Don't enable serial complainers. Change the topic if it's really unimportant (avoid calling them on their negativity, just ignore it the best you can). Worst comes to worst, don't hang out with people like that. You owe it to yourself.
That's about it for today, talk to you soon.
Much love,
THM
After meeting someone and engaging them in smalltalk, the next step is to deepen the conversation to establish solid rapport and find out if the person across from you really is someone you want to invest your time and affection in. Some underestimate the importance of this middle step in dating, but for me it's a must - deep conversation lets me know if a girl is worthy, and generally helps me weed out the crazies before it's too late.
Case in point, I was in the car with my friend "Seth" (a girl told him he looks like Seth Cohen from "The OC") when he brought up the topic. He does very well for himself but dislikes going on dates because he is not the best at making conversation (that's okay, especially if he realizes it and decides to work on improving that aspect). So I decided to show him the lesson you're about to learn today.
Now, the first thing you should understand is that most people are selfish. I don't think it's a particularly bad thing, but that could just be the only child in me talking. The upshot is, that for the vast majority of people you meet, men or women, young or old, the topic of conversation that most interests them is, well, themselves. You might not care that I sat next to a smelly hobo in the metro today, or that I had mild BBQ flavored chicken wings for dinner, or that my prof is a tool who doesn't know the first thing about how to crack a decent joke, but I sure do. And if you want to get my attention, I hope you are willing to let me talk about these things (and at least PRETEND to give a damn). In any case, rest assured that letting them decide what they want to talk about is usually the best course of action. (There are exception, as we'll see later)
If you like talking about yourself too much, that's okay also, just refrain around people who you want to actually be attracted to you...
Once you got the first part down pat (let the other person talk), comes part 2: letting the other person talk about something meaningful to them. Meaningful topics vary from people to people, it's up to you to find out. Anything goes, as long as it doesn't fall into one of the following categories:
1) Fluff
2) Complaints
Fluff (or "smalltalk) is completely fine if you're 30 seconds into a conversation and as long as you're using it as a jump-off point for deeper, more captivating topics. Relying too much on fluff is bad, for the following reasons:
1) You will run out of things to say (you'll always be scrambling mentally to find the next thing to talk about, which is really difficult. Plus your listening abilities go to the crapper if your mind is that occupied)
2a) You will find yourself talking to your date about boring topics
2b) Your date will take it as a sign that, since you talk about boring trivialities, you must be a boring person. (Even if you're not)
3) Since no one likes to be bored, your date will find a way to wiggle him/herself out of your next meeting, and the next, and so forth.
How to avoid this? Let's go back to the car ride with Seth for one second:
Him: I always run out of things to say. I suck on dates 'cause I just don't know what to do after a while.
THM: Let's try something really simple. What was the first career you wanted to have when you were little?
Him: Uhh....to be a doctor.
THM: Why?
Him: I don't know. After high school I realized that science wasn't for me, so I want to do international development (talk about that in more detail for 5 more minutes).
THM: Interesting. Actually it's not so far from being a doctor. I see you're motivated by helping people, and both jobs let you do that.
Him: Wow I never thought of it that way, but it does make sense... (another 5 minutes of him talking about why he wants to go into that field - at the time I couldn't make anything other than rough mental notes, sorry dude)
So you can see I've managed to turn something as mundane as school and work into an enlightening conversation (incidentally, I never knew Seth wanted to be a doctor before). There are lots of little things to pick up on, but essentially I turned something relatively impersonal (we were talking about something school-related) into a reflection about Seth's passions and driving forces in life (which is one of the most personal things we can talk about). Try it, and don't be afraid to ask a lot of "why" questions. Some people are more guarded then others, but the more barriers you can break down, the closer you'll be to that person's heart.
Complaints are a whole other can of worms. In the same way that people label you as boring if you allow them to talk about boring stuff, they will also label you negatively if you allow them to dump all their problems on you. Sure, commiserating about serious and important matters is a beautiful thing - that's what friends are for. But on the flip side, learn to not let your dates dwell on petty complaints (The soup's too cold. The soup's too hot, where's the waiter? Why do I always look so fat?) Don't enable serial complainers. Change the topic if it's really unimportant (avoid calling them on their negativity, just ignore it the best you can). Worst comes to worst, don't hang out with people like that. You owe it to yourself.
That's about it for today, talk to you soon.
Much love,
THM
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Things I learned last night - #1
If you're reading this blog, you must be part of the learning institution that is McGill (or Concordia, but let's not go there...). In the spirit of education, here is the first edition of the series entitled "Things I learned last night." The powers that be might force me to pull the plug on this if things get too out of hand. But in the meantime, enjoy.
I was having a beer with 2 of my close guy friends in a bar near campus. We were watching the game and unwinding after a week of having to cope of various pressing issues. By 11pm things were quiet, when my friend "Andy" (let's call him that because he vaguely looks like the Andy Bernard character in The Office) started talking about flying down to Vegas, getting trashed and waking up married to a stripper. Naturally, within the next 5 minutes, the conversation moved to how a strip club should be our next stop. However, my grandmother always taught me to be frugal in life - throwing $20 bills at skimpily dressed (or butt naked) women is fun, but I'd rather do like that ING guy says, and save my money. Needless to say, Andy wasn't impressed.
Next thing I know, a group of girls of our age group walked into the bar and were headed in our direction (that in itself was a feat, considering the average age in the place was about 45). By that time the flow of conversation had somewhat shifted. When I decided to get the girls' attention, this is what came out of my month:
"My buddy (Andy) here is considering a career change, would you guys pay to see him dance on a stage, naked?"
Considering the amount of beer we've already ingested, that was the best I could do. Meanwhile the look on Andy's face said something like: "I cannot believe you just said that."
Then something unexpected happened: the girls' faces lit up like the Fourth of July, and we were invited to their table within the next 20 seconds.
Lesson of the night: it really doesn't matter what you say, just who you say it to (especially if they're American students on a roadtrip to drink and be merry.
I was having a beer with 2 of my close guy friends in a bar near campus. We were watching the game and unwinding after a week of having to cope of various pressing issues. By 11pm things were quiet, when my friend "Andy" (let's call him that because he vaguely looks like the Andy Bernard character in The Office) started talking about flying down to Vegas, getting trashed and waking up married to a stripper. Naturally, within the next 5 minutes, the conversation moved to how a strip club should be our next stop. However, my grandmother always taught me to be frugal in life - throwing $20 bills at skimpily dressed (or butt naked) women is fun, but I'd rather do like that ING guy says, and save my money. Needless to say, Andy wasn't impressed.
Next thing I know, a group of girls of our age group walked into the bar and were headed in our direction (that in itself was a feat, considering the average age in the place was about 45). By that time the flow of conversation had somewhat shifted. When I decided to get the girls' attention, this is what came out of my month:
"My buddy (Andy) here is considering a career change, would you guys pay to see him dance on a stage, naked?"
Considering the amount of beer we've already ingested, that was the best I could do. Meanwhile the look on Andy's face said something like: "I cannot believe you just said that."
Then something unexpected happened: the girls' faces lit up like the Fourth of July, and we were invited to their table within the next 20 seconds.
Lesson of the night: it really doesn't matter what you say, just who you say it to (especially if they're American students on a roadtrip to drink and be merry.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Activities Night revisited
Mood Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAOJ_azIvus&feature=related
Hello Members new (all 8 pages worth of you, welcome!) and old,
Had a great time at the SSMU last night. Activities Night is always great for meeting new people and discovering interesting clubs and activities. If you missed it, shame on you (and see you there next time). A few highlights:
1) To the journalist who was looking to interview me, too bad that didn't happen. Will be less flaky next time.
2) Most underrated pickup accessory: old ski poles
3) Had a short talk with TVmcgill - they are interested in doing a show about dating this season. Let them that you want to see that happen! The ideas are already swirling wildly in my head... :p
As usual, shoot me an email with any questions. (no, I dont do blind dates, sorry)
Much Love
THM
Hello Members new (all 8 pages worth of you, welcome!) and old,
Had a great time at the SSMU last night. Activities Night is always great for meeting new people and discovering interesting clubs and activities. If you missed it, shame on you (and see you there next time). A few highlights:
1) To the journalist who was looking to interview me, too bad that didn't happen. Will be less flaky next time.
2) Most underrated pickup accessory: old ski poles
3) Had a short talk with TVmcgill - they are interested in doing a show about dating this season. Let them that you want to see that happen! The ideas are already swirling wildly in my head... :p
As usual, shoot me an email with any questions. (no, I dont do blind dates, sorry)
Much Love
THM
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Speed Dater: Making a Great First Impression (part 2)
Now that you've got your look down pat, here comes the difficult part: actually starting a conversation with that beautiful stranger. This is arguably the toughest part - something we refer to as "approach anxiety." The fear of rejection is very real for most people out there (yes, I've been there too!). "Opening" is as much a science as an art - I will go more into detail about the finer points of how to strike up a fun convo with almost anyone in an upcoming article.
Meanwhile, there are a few ways to get around the irrational fear:
1) Have a mutual friend introduce you -
Not always practical or possible, but works great especially if s/he does it with a complement ("This is my friend *****, he's the lead singer of a band/president of a frat/level 56 in World of Warcraft.")
BTW, the World of Warcraft thing is a joke, make sure your friend actually does you a favor and say something attractive.
2) Bite the bullet and do a "cold" approach -
Starting a conversation with a complete stranger is for the bold and adventurous types out there. I get a lot of fun out of doing this because it really is an incredible thrill to waltz up to an attractive woman and discover how she's like instead of walking on by and wondering what might have been. With that being said, "cold" approaches (as opposed to being introduced - a "warm" approach) is extremely challenging. Expect to fail early and often. Like a sport, proficiency comes with practice and diligence.
3) Go Speed Dating! -
One of the main challenges of the "cold" approach is running into someone who is, for one reason or another, simply not in a social mood. We're all human, and there are times where we simply do not have the time or energy to be receptive to flirting, no matter how charming the person talking to us may be. On the other hand, once you sit down at #1's table and begin speed dating, you'll discover that the person across from you is as enthusiastic as you are at making a new connection. You have all made conscious decisions to meet new people, and that open mindset makes the process so much easier.
How Can I Break The Ice?
Boy sits down across the table from Girl
Boy: "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"
(awkward silence)
Boy: "Uhh...how's school?"
We've all been there, stuck with a blank mind and nothing to say. If that's never happened to you, then you must be a great liar (if that's you, congratulations, studies show that social liars are more popular and tend to be more successful in business). Either way, there are 2 great ways to establish instant rapport between you and your date.
1) Find commonalities
The first day at an introductory management class I teach, I have my student play a game called "What We Have in Common." They have 5 minutes to pair up with someone they have never talked to before and find 3 things, the more obscure the better, that they share. Whether it's lactose intolerance, a passion for all things Gucci or the same favorite movie, this period of mutual questioning invariably creates more topics of conversation and a possibility for friendship, or more.
2) Pick up on subtleties
On my flight home for the holidays, I noticed an attractive girl in the terminal who was reading the new Dan Brown novel. Once we got on the plane, I sat down next to her, asked her how she found the book and used that as a starting point for an enlightening conversation that we shared for the rest of the flight(it's amazing how time flies when you're having a good time, especially when your flight is delayed by an hour on the runway). The point is, none of this would have happened if I didn't notice the small detail of what she was reading. Whenever I meet someone, the strength of their handshake, the accent with which they speak and the jewelry they wear are all small but significant cues that I can use to find out more about them. Be more attentive to these subtleties next time you meet someone, and you'll never be short on conversation topics.
Gotta head to the gym now, check back soon for updates! (up next: how to avoid the conversation turning stale, like 2 week old bread)
Much love,
THM
Meanwhile, there are a few ways to get around the irrational fear:
1) Have a mutual friend introduce you -
Not always practical or possible, but works great especially if s/he does it with a complement ("This is my friend *****, he's the lead singer of a band/president of a frat/level 56 in World of Warcraft.")
BTW, the World of Warcraft thing is a joke, make sure your friend actually does you a favor and say something attractive.
2) Bite the bullet and do a "cold" approach -
Starting a conversation with a complete stranger is for the bold and adventurous types out there. I get a lot of fun out of doing this because it really is an incredible thrill to waltz up to an attractive woman and discover how she's like instead of walking on by and wondering what might have been. With that being said, "cold" approaches (as opposed to being introduced - a "warm" approach) is extremely challenging. Expect to fail early and often. Like a sport, proficiency comes with practice and diligence.
3) Go Speed Dating! -
One of the main challenges of the "cold" approach is running into someone who is, for one reason or another, simply not in a social mood. We're all human, and there are times where we simply do not have the time or energy to be receptive to flirting, no matter how charming the person talking to us may be. On the other hand, once you sit down at #1's table and begin speed dating, you'll discover that the person across from you is as enthusiastic as you are at making a new connection. You have all made conscious decisions to meet new people, and that open mindset makes the process so much easier.
How Can I Break The Ice?
Boy sits down across the table from Girl
Boy: "Hi"
Girl: "Hi"
(awkward silence)
Boy: "Uhh...how's school?"
We've all been there, stuck with a blank mind and nothing to say. If that's never happened to you, then you must be a great liar (if that's you, congratulations, studies show that social liars are more popular and tend to be more successful in business). Either way, there are 2 great ways to establish instant rapport between you and your date.
1) Find commonalities
The first day at an introductory management class I teach, I have my student play a game called "What We Have in Common." They have 5 minutes to pair up with someone they have never talked to before and find 3 things, the more obscure the better, that they share. Whether it's lactose intolerance, a passion for all things Gucci or the same favorite movie, this period of mutual questioning invariably creates more topics of conversation and a possibility for friendship, or more.
2) Pick up on subtleties
On my flight home for the holidays, I noticed an attractive girl in the terminal who was reading the new Dan Brown novel. Once we got on the plane, I sat down next to her, asked her how she found the book and used that as a starting point for an enlightening conversation that we shared for the rest of the flight(it's amazing how time flies when you're having a good time, especially when your flight is delayed by an hour on the runway). The point is, none of this would have happened if I didn't notice the small detail of what she was reading. Whenever I meet someone, the strength of their handshake, the accent with which they speak and the jewelry they wear are all small but significant cues that I can use to find out more about them. Be more attentive to these subtleties next time you meet someone, and you'll never be short on conversation topics.
Gotta head to the gym now, check back soon for updates! (up next: how to avoid the conversation turning stale, like 2 week old bread)
Much love,
THM
Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Speed Dater: Make a Great First Impression
Hey guys,
Welcome to the first edition of The Speed Dater. Every so often, I'm going to examine one aspect of dating and demystify it for you, the socially active guy or gal. If you have a topic you would like discussed, or have any questions, shoot me a message at http://mcgill.speed8.com/contact_form.php
With all that being said, let's get to it!
One of the most frequently asked questions I receive is: how can I make a great first impression? You've asked yourself the same thing, I'm sure.
Simply put, making a great first impression is a must. Us humans are biologically trained to make snap judgments and act on them immediately - useful when running away from angry grizzly bears while gathering berries in the forest; not so useful when that perfectly nice boy approaching you forgot to match his shoes to his belt. (Note to guys: yes, girls are THAT perceptive, unfortunately. Here's a good starting point for tips)
The Look
The specific look I choose will vary greatly, but no matter the occasion, what I wear has to satisfy these 3 basic rules:
1)It accentuates your strong points (In my case, I'm a big fan of stripes and slim-fitting shirts because of my height and build)
2)It minimizes your weaker points (I don't look good in baseball caps so I don't usually wear one.)
3)It fits the occasion - We can go a bit further; try dressing a little MORE formal in every setting. You'll like the results.
In addition, make a point of both wearing interesting accessories and noticing those of others - it could be the starting point of a captivating and deep conversation, especially if what you wear has strong personal significance. It could be the ring your Grandmother gave you, or a necklace that your best friend brought back for you on her trip to Tahiti. The wilder and wackier the back story, the better.
Hopefully this goes without saying, but regular showers and hair trims are a must. Equally important are the appropriate use (i.e. not half the spray can) of fragrance and proper grooming (dirty and untrimmed fingernails is ironically the top pet peeve of several girl friends). Chapped lips, scruffy facial hair and bad breath are other things to avoid. Make yourself a little checklist to avoid any hassle.
That's all for today, part 2 coming soon!
Much Love,
THM
Welcome to the first edition of The Speed Dater. Every so often, I'm going to examine one aspect of dating and demystify it for you, the socially active guy or gal. If you have a topic you would like discussed, or have any questions, shoot me a message at http://mcgill.speed8.com/contact_form.php
With all that being said, let's get to it!
One of the most frequently asked questions I receive is: how can I make a great first impression? You've asked yourself the same thing, I'm sure.
Simply put, making a great first impression is a must. Us humans are biologically trained to make snap judgments and act on them immediately - useful when running away from angry grizzly bears while gathering berries in the forest; not so useful when that perfectly nice boy approaching you forgot to match his shoes to his belt. (Note to guys: yes, girls are THAT perceptive, unfortunately. Here's a good starting point for tips)
The Look
The specific look I choose will vary greatly, but no matter the occasion, what I wear has to satisfy these 3 basic rules:
1)It accentuates your strong points (In my case, I'm a big fan of stripes and slim-fitting shirts because of my height and build)
2)It minimizes your weaker points (I don't look good in baseball caps so I don't usually wear one.)
3)It fits the occasion - We can go a bit further; try dressing a little MORE formal in every setting. You'll like the results.
In addition, make a point of both wearing interesting accessories and noticing those of others - it could be the starting point of a captivating and deep conversation, especially if what you wear has strong personal significance. It could be the ring your Grandmother gave you, or a necklace that your best friend brought back for you on her trip to Tahiti. The wilder and wackier the back story, the better.
Hopefully this goes without saying, but regular showers and hair trims are a must. Equally important are the appropriate use (i.e. not half the spray can) of fragrance and proper grooming (dirty and untrimmed fingernails is ironically the top pet peeve of several girl friends). Chapped lips, scruffy facial hair and bad breath are other things to avoid. Make yourself a little checklist to avoid any hassle.
That's all for today, part 2 coming soon!
Much Love,
THM
Why I love Speed Dating
Call me a romantic, but there's very little in life that beats the incredible rush you get on a great first date. It doesn't matter whether it's lunch at El Cheapo's Taco Emporium, or a candlelight dinner at Mucho Dinero's Waterside Cafe - discovering a person and sharing quality one-on-one time with him or her is a rare and precious treat.
Let's come back to reality for a second, though. The simple fact is, we're busy people. School, work, friends; life. There's just so much going on that for most of us, the thought of setting our world aside in the pursuit of love is...just a little unrealistic.
For the especially brave souls out there, I double dare you to start a conversation with 14 complete strangers TOMORROW- it's a lot harder than it looks, trust me. No such problem at Speed Dating - we do all the work; you have all the fun. Beside, like one of my friend says: "I would rather meet someone in school than someone grabbing my ass in a club. You know what i mean?"
:p
Much love,
THM
http://mcgill.speed8.com/
Let's come back to reality for a second, though. The simple fact is, we're busy people. School, work, friends; life. There's just so much going on that for most of us, the thought of setting our world aside in the pursuit of love is...just a little unrealistic.
For the especially brave souls out there, I double dare you to start a conversation with 14 complete strangers TOMORROW- it's a lot harder than it looks, trust me. No such problem at Speed Dating - we do all the work; you have all the fun. Beside, like one of my friend says: "I would rather meet someone in school than someone grabbing my ass in a club. You know what i mean?"
:p
Much love,
THM
http://mcgill.speed8.com/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)